What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
