I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
