he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The adults are the big ones right?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
