i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize