if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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