Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
