i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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