I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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