Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
