Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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