we're chasing vodka with high fives
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
