My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My breasts were aching with rage.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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