Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
