i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
