I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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