really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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