ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
