I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
