i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
