Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
