if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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