Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
