grandma shit on top of the toilet
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
