When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He shit in the fireplace
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
