you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Randomize
