You're a womanizer and a bitch.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
