anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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