I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
