People in love make me want to vomit
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
