what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
