I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
