Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
