so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
