are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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