oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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