I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
