So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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