apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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