If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
