My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
What did we do last night that was yellow?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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