I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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