god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I will die if light touches me.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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