I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
