Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
