I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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