i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
How does one acquire holy water?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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