I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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