WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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