Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I got chris browned last night
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
