He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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