It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
