im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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