lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
