i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
