My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize