So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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