if we break up, who will get the dealer?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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