At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
